Deep Editing Analyses

Remember the movie HIGH CRIMES (2002), starring Morgan Freeman and Ashley Judd? HIGH CRIMES was based on a novel by Joseph Finder.

Several books followed--PARANOIA, COMPANY MAN, KILLER INSTINCT, POWER PLAY--all New York Times bestsellers. VANISHED, a 2009 release, debuted at #7 on the NYT list.

VANISHED is the first of a four-book series featuring a Special Forces trained corporate security specialist. The reviews for VANISHED, are so strong, some writers could be stricken with severe review envy.

REVIEWS:

"Written in staccato chapters that are emotionally supercharged and action packed, this thriller will more than satisfy adrenaline junkies and have them guessing until the veryVanished book cover end." --Publisher's Weekly

"Moves at the pace of an injected neuro-toxin. . . . You'll curse Finder for keeping you up into the early hours. . . . When I put the book down all I wanted to do was to start from the beginning again such was the pleasure I got from VANISHED." --Ali Karim, Shots magazine

"VANISHED is not only the best thriller of the summer, it's a strong candidate for the best of the year . . . It's the thrills in VANISHED that will get your blood pumping, but it's the emotions in it that will touch your heart." --Chicago Sun-Times

You felt it too?

A visceral trill of review envy.

Whether you write thrillers or historicals, suspense or inspirationals, mysteries or sci-fi, romances or paranormals--you want your words to fully engage your reader's mind and emotions. That's the secret to Joseph Finder nailing the New York Times bestseller list. In every component of novel writing, Finder excels. Realistic characters. Unpredictable plots. Revealing details. Page-turning pacing. Plus, powerful voice, internalizations, dialogue, action, setting, senses, body language, dialogue cues . . . .

 

Did I cover the critical components?

What about the craft and art of presenting the story on the page? Finding the right balance. Writing fresh. Powering up emotion.

Ah. You probably knew I would focus the Deep Editing Analysis on my area of expertise, writing with psychological power. I teach writers how to write page-turners.

I read and analyzed VANISHED on my Kindle. I always tag my favorite lines and passages with a one-line note, so I can go back and pull examples for my lectures and powerpoint presentations.

For VANISHED, I have twenty-two pages of one-line notes. That's over 220 examples of fresh writing that impressed me. Wish I could share them all here.

Example:

I'm pretty good at math--one of the few remaining legacies of my father, who was not only a math whiz but an immensely rich man before he went to prison.

Analysis:

What did Joe Finder accomplish in that one sentence? He slipped in a powerful shard of back story. And--he backloaded the power word, prison, to hit the reader with a punch.

Example:

"Are you here about my husband?"

Garvin wore steel aviator rim glasses with thick lenses that grotesquely magnified his bleary pale eyes--gray? Blue? Hard to say. "Mrs. Heller, we'd like to ask you some questions about what happened."

The throbbing behind her eyes was back with a vengeance. "Are you . . . homicide detectives?" she asked in a choked voice.

He shook his head, gave a prim smile. "We're from the Violent Crimes Branch."

The words made her stomach flip over. "Detective, where's my husband?" she said, heart thudding. "Have you found him or not?"

Analysis:

Did you notice the scene-themed power words?

-- grotesquely, throbbing, vengeance, choked, violent, crime

Two short and powerful visceral hits: stomach flip, heart thud. If you know my EDITS System, you know those phrases are PINK. They carry visceral power.

Read it out loud.

NOTICE:

Stimulus-Response: The smooth stimulus-response patterns draw you in. Keep you reading.

Dialogue: The dialogue sounds natural. Short. Nailing the point.

White Space: The piece is easy to digest. No long passages that re-tell or over-tell the story. No invitations to skim.

Cadence: The passage flows. You want to read more.

Example:

She told them everything she could. Garvin asked all the questions; Scarpino, clearly the recessive gene, said nothing, took notes.

Analysis:

Those two sentences, seemingly invisible, carry multiple teaching points. They provide strong examples of how to:

1. Compress Time: Finder compressed time and kept the story moving forward.

2. Deepen Characterization: The reader has more insight into the two detectives.

3. Slip in a Humor Hit: Finder had fun with the reader with the recessive gene phrase,

4. Keep Hooking the Reader: That Humor Hit also resonated and strengthened a "Yes Set" for readers. We all know someone recessive-gene-challenged like Scarpino. The reader internally nods at the humor, and at the personality type. Finder sets more hooks. Reels the reader deeper into his fictional world.

5. Write Tight: Those twenty words could have been narrative-stretched to thirty or forty or fifty-plus words. I'll repeat a phrase from above to hammer my point. Finder avoided giving the reader an invitation to skim.

Example:

"You know what was in that container, don't you?" I said. "What was being shipped out of Bahrain?"

"I didn't ask." Jay was too skilled to look evasive.

"But you know anyway," I said.

He laughed. Sometimes talking with him was like fencing. "Don't ask, don't tell."

"I think you know damned well what was in those boxes." I said it in a good-humored way, not wanting to come off as confrontational. Confrontational rarely worked with him.

He chewed the inside of his cheeks, which was always the giveaway that he was trying to decide whether to tell a lie. The "tell," as they say in poker. Stoddard was practiced in the art of deception, but my skill at reading people is better. I give full credit for this to my father, who was a liar the way some people are alcoholics.

Analysis:

This time, I'm making you work. Take three minutes and analyze that passage.

Notice the body language?

Dialogue cues?

Subtext?

Internalizations?

Cadence?

Back story?

Backloading?

Rhetorical devices?

I'll help with the rhetorical devices.

Similes:

-- Sometimes talking with him was like fencing.

-- . . . who was a liar the way some people are alcoholics.

Anadiplosis:

-- . . . not wanting to come off as confrontational. Confrontational rarely worked with him.

One More Example: The Set Up -- The POV character visits his father in prison. Roger is the POV character's brother.

"Special," he said. He rolled the word around in his mouth like the first sip of a Chateau Lafite. His lips curled at the edges. "Hooah."

The day he entered prison, Dad gave Roger his most prized possession, a gold Patek Philippe watch that Mom had given him when he made his first hundred million. Inscribed on the back was a line from Virgil in Latin: Audentes fortuna juvat. Fortune favors the bold. He'd been bold all right, but Fortune hadn't gotten the memo.

Analysis:

Dialogue cue: He rolled the word around in his mouth like the first sip of a Chateau Lafite. That dialogue cue is fresh, fun, character-themed, and ironic.

Backstory: Finder shared the scope of their riches, spotlighting the gargantuan plummet from uber-rich to prison-poor.

Hints of father-son relationship: The reader picks up that the POV character doesn't respect his father.

Humor Hit: He'd been bold all right, but Fortune hadn't gotten the memo.

Joseph Finder strives for excellence on the page. It shows. And it works.

Don't let review envy derail you. Dig deep and deep edit. Excel in all areas of writing and you'll earn reviews that could boost you onto the New York Times bestseller list.

Marcus Sakey’s first crime thriller, THE BLADE ITSELF (2007), was selected by the New York Times as an Editor's Pick, chosen as one of Esquire Magazine's Top 5 Reads of 2007, and won the Strand Critic's Award for Best First Novel. With his next two thrillers, AT THE CITY’S EDGE (2008), and GOOD PEOPLE (2008), Sakey kept the power up and electrified more readers and reviewers.

What do the giants in the film world know about Marcus Sakey? They know he writes a story guaranteed to mesmerize readers—and viewers. The film rights for all three of his novels have been optioned for film. Power-players Tobey Maguire, Ben Affleck, and Matt Damon, are buying slices of Sakey-talent—and likely salivating to play the leads.

You can count on dynamite writing craft in each of these stand-alone thrillers. My Sakey novels are mega-sticky-tabbed. Let’s dive in and check out a few of the several hundred examples.

THE BLADE ITSELF:

Page 16: “I heard someone was asking about you.”

Old instincts tightened Danny’s skin. “Who’s that?”

Patrick looked up at him, the joking in his eyes replaced by something more serious, like he was watching for a reaction. “Evan McGann.”

Danny’s mouth went dry, and he felt that tingling in his chest, the sense of his heart beating hard enough to rattle his ribs. He scrambled for his game face, almost got it.

ANALYSIS: Marcus Sakey makes it look easy. Note the two STIMULUS / RESPONSE patterns above. Since Danny learns critical information in this passage, Sakey gives us VISCERAL with each response from Danny. Plus—the reader is treated to fresh writing in a BASIC response with the ‘old instincts’ line. Five words, and they carry visceral power.

After Danny hears “Evan McGann,” he experiences an EMPOWERED response. Sakey loaded that response set with SIX EMOTIONAL HITS:

1) dry mouth, 2) tingling chest, 3) sense of heart beating harder, 4) amplifies by adding his heart could rattle his ribs,5) Danny tries for ‘game face’ to block his reaction from Patrick, 6) ‘almost got it’ -- Danny failed.

Danny knows his facial expression tipped Patrick that Danny had a history with Evan. And we all know it wasn’t a happy history.

NOTE 1: Sakey uses some clichéd visceral responses: dry mouth, tingling chest, heart-pounding. Writers have to fall back on some clichéd viscerals, but stacking several together in a creative way, building a COMPLEX or EMPOWERED response, makes it an interesting read. It carries power.

NOTE 2 with a 1 – 2 punch: 1) If you write a strong stimulus, include visceral in your response. 2) If you include a visceral response, visceral comes first.

AT THE CITY’S EDGE:

P. 139 “Ain’t you noticed, cop?” Dion’s voice was soft, his gaze weary, and for the tiniest second, Jason almost felt sorry for him.

ANALYSIS: Nice DIALOGUE CUE and GAZE CUE: It shows a good guy feeling sorry for a bad guy – and it’s tight, with stimulus and response in the same sentence.

EXAMPLE:

P. 190 – The Set-up: Jason’s talking to his 8 year old nephew whose dad was murdered

“Hey, buddy.”

Billy didn’t look up. He pinched the crayon harder, the tip of his finger bloodless, and started stroking fast, hard lines.

Jason took a tentative step forward. “What are you drawing?”

Silence.

Jason felt an acid shudder in his gut, like he’d put away a pot of coffee.

ANALYSIS: Sakey SHOWED Billy’s emotional response by sharing that Billy did not look up, and describing how Billy held and used the crayon. Writing ‘the tip of his finger bloodless’ informed the reader that Billy was holding the crayon so hard that his knuckles turned white. But Sakey dodged that cliché.

Extra credit awarded for fresh writing with ‘acid shudder in his gut’ driven home with the coffee-based simile. That simile had to resonate with every coffee drinker.

GOOD PEOPLE: Last example – a wife looking at her husband. It’s three paragraphs.

P. 177

There was blood on Tom’s left hand, and the way he held it was odd, a swollen mess, the pinkie off-kilter. Her nerves felt like she’d bitten metal. She gasped, one hand covering her mouth, and started forward. Then she saw the look on his face, and stopped.

Sometimes it felt like they had known each other for a hundred years. She knew his every gesture, every expression. She could render them in her mind: the easy smile, titled a little to one side that drew crinkles around his eyes. The half-lidded head loll, lips barely parted, as they made love in the night. His precise squint when reading, meant not to bring the words into focus but to put the rest of the world out.

She had never seen the look that was on his face now. She recognized fear around the wide eyes. Pain marked in the press of his lips. And concern, concern for her, in the cock of his head and the readiness of his body. But there was something else too. A guardedness like a metal gate drawn across a store window. And through the slats, a sharp and sparkling accusation.

ANALYSIS: Strong example of a POWER INTERNALIZATION fueled by the POV character analyzing body language of a non-POV character. Sakey covers multiple stimuli and response patterns. In the first paragraph, we see the husband’s mangled hand and pain – and the wife’s fear. Second paragraph -- Sakey draws the reader into the depth of their relationship, chronicling the husband’s nuanced body language and the wife’s caring interpretation. Last paragraph – the reader is hit with a contrast. The wife focuses on her husband’s body language – and sees fear and pain and concern and guardedness . . . and accusation.

 

Marcus Sakey’s writing will hook your mind, your funny bone, and your heart. Edgy, yet loaded with compassion. The reviewers, Top Read’s and Bestseller lists got it right with Sakey. Winning stories. Winning characters. Winning writing craft. My money’s on seeing his heart-grabbing stories about bad things happening to good people on the big screen.

Stephen White is the NYT bestselling author of sixteen Alan Gregory mystery/thrillers and a stand alone thriller released in 2009, THE SIEGE. White adds power to his plots and writing craft with the skill and expertise of an experienced clinical psychologist, because he is. His latest high-tension thriller elevates readers' blood pressure--and keeps it revved on every page.

REVIEWS:

"Stephen White continues to be amazing. He is among the best of our contemporary authors laboring in any genre, combining plot, characterization, and excellent, solid storytelling to make each of his works not so much a novel as an event."

— Joe Hartlaub, BookReporter.com

"The unexpected is the norm in this breathless, unconventional, chiller of a story that will stay with you long after the book is closed."

~ Review of THE SIEGE in the Daily Herald

How does Stephen White spear the reader's heart? What's his magic?

The magic is in the expert development and application of all components of a novel--including (but not limited to) plotting, story telling, characters, voice, and writing craft. My expertise is writing craft. But -- I'll share one powerful story telling element Stephen White utilized in THE SIEGE. It's a hostage story, but he didn't write any scenes from the hostage takers POV.

He keeps every page suspenseful, because no one knows what's going on in the seemingly impregnable building the hostage takers claimed on the Yale campus. No one knows who may die next, or why. Not the FBI, not the Hostage Response Team, not the hostage negotiator, not Sam Purdy.

Not the reader.

Let's dig in, dig deep, and analyze some lines and a psychologically-powered passage from THE SIEGE.

Example: Description--

He is six-three, two-ten, and looks like he sleeps in a bronze casting of Atlas. He is the star high school quarterback gone good.

Analysis:

Stephen provided a strong visual of this young man. But he avoided a trite description, and had fun with Cliche Play twice. He didn't say he looked like Atlas, but made it more interesting. What if he had quit there? What if he limited his description to one sentence. Read it out loud:

He is six-three, two-ten, and looks like he sleeps in a bronze casting of Atlas.

It needs another sentence for balance. Read the two sentences out loud:

He is six-three, two-ten, and looks like he sleeps in a bronze casting of Atlas. He is the star high school quarterback gone good.

Better cadence. Can you hear it? Have you trained your Cadence Ear?

White also gave the reader a Humor Hit with the Cliche Twist at the end. Most readers would start reading that sentence and anticipate this ending: . . . the high school quarterback gone bad.

The 'gone good' ending provides a surprise. It also reinforces the reader's image of this character as a golden boy. A subconsious association: no harm comes to golden boys.

Example: Proximity --

She stopped and stood maybe ten inches from me. Ann had no trouble with close.

Analysis:

A simple piece. Nothing amazing in those fifteen words. Why did I spotlight them?

Because Stephen White took a basic proximity shift piece and wrote it to avoid overused phrases, deepen characterization, and give the reader another humor hit.

He could have written one of these five invisible lines:

1. Ann stepped closer.

2. Ann moved toward me.

3. Ann closed the distance between us.

4. Ann walked forward until she stood within inches of me.

5. Ann stepped so close I could smell her perfume (hair spray, minty breath . . . ).

Have you read any or all of those five lines, or variations?

Have you written any or all of those five lines, or variations?

Stephen White opted to write fresh, write strong, and add a hint of humor.

Example: Interpreting Physical Responses, Facial Expressions, and Eye Messages from Non-POV Character

Ann didn't have to say a word.

I've been a cop for a long time. The transformation I saw in her face as she processed the first sounds in her ear from the call she'd received on her cell is a thing I've seen on a dozen or so other faces over the years. In the fleeting moment that it takes for life's routine to be replaced by the disarray of despair and for hope to be swapped with horror, the eyes seem to learn the news before the rest of the face suspects a thing.

It's a cascade of anguish as the rumor spreads. The eyes go wide before the brows rise in protest. The corners of the mouth flatten before the cheekbones drop even a millimeter. Tears form before the skin closest to the lips begins to quiver.

ON THE NEXT PAGE:

Ann placed the phone on the table in front of her. When she looked back up at me, I saw sparks of fear and an inclination to cower spilling from her eyes like slag leaching from steel. What was left in her eyes was rage and determination.

ONE PARAGRAPH LATER:

Ann was getting worked like my friend's steel. And like his steel, she was getting stronger.

Analysis:

That's one heck of a mulit-faceted amplified response. It worked for me.

Out of context, I hope you could tell that Ann just learned something on the phone. Something more terrifying than she could instantly process.

Stephen White amplified this passage because it's a turning point. He wanted to spotlight Ann's intense emotional response. He wanted to draw the reader deep into Ann's emotional experience. He wanted the reader to identify with her pain.

What did Stephen White do?

1. He gave the reader specificity. Big time specificity. Along the lines of micro-expressions from the TV show "Lie To Me" specificity.

2. He used rhetorical devices to empower the message and empower the cadence. Parallelism. Alliteration. Similes. Read it out loud. You'll hear the cadence. You'll spot the rhetorical devices.

3. He used Power Words: despair, horror, suspects, anguish, rumor, protest, sparks, fear, cower, rage, determination, tears, quiver, stronger. Fourteen power words in 196 words.

4. He avoided trite and wrote fresh.

5. He provided strong imagery.

6. He took it to my fourth level of Powering Up Emotion. He added emotional impact by giving the reader a Super Empowered passage.

One More Example: Amplified Description --

I thought his voice was tired. Not long-day tired. Long-life tired. I was thinking he was mid-forties.

If he were a used car, he'd be one to be wary of. Body looked okay. But the frame was probably bent. Sheet metal was covered with putty. Seals leaked. Needed rings. Bottom line? He had way more mileage than the odometer revealed.

Analysis:

Stephen had fun sharing the POV character's impressions of this guy through metaphor. Interesting, and effective. The metaphor kept it fresh and fun.

He used epistrophe in the first paragraph. He ended three sentences in a row with tired. Epistrophe is one of the 30+ rhetorical devices I teach in my Deep Editing course and lecture packets.

I consider Stephen White one of the masters of writing craft. I can count on him to write fresh in every area. I can count on him to power up visceral responses, to include powerful nuanced body language and dialogue cues, and to provide me with a galaxy of stellar lines and passages to showcase my teaching points. ;-) I can also count on him to deliver an award-winning read.

You can count on Stephen White's writing too.

New York Times and international bestselling author, Lisa Unger, writes adrenaline-driven literary thrillers. Reviewers describe her writing as masterful, riveting, evocative. All three of Lisa Unger’s thrillers-- BEAUTIFUL LIES (2006), A SLIVER OF TRUTH (2007), and BLACK OUT (2008)—garnered starred reviews from Publisher’s Weekly.

Entertainment Weekly described BLACK OUT-- "[A] hurricane of a thriller...impossible to extract yourself until the last page.”

Let’s dig into some examples from BLACK OUT that make Lisa Unger’s writing as powerful as a hurricane.

EXAMPLE, Page 118:

My mother liked to drink. It was a mad dog she kept on a chain. When it got loose, it chewed through our lives.

Analysis: Lisa Unger played off the cliché: acted like a mad dog. She empowered that cliché with twists, amplification, turning it into a stimulus and showing the response, and backloading. Twenty-four words. None wasted. Every word drives the reader toward the next word. Every word drives the reader deeper into the scene terror.

EXAMPLE, Page 213:

I see a flash of something on her face that I’ve never seen before. It happens when our eyes connect through the thick glass of her front door. It’s just the ghost of an expression, and in another state of mind I might not even have noticed it. It’s fear. Vivian is the strongest woman I’ve ever known, and when I see the look on her face, my heart goes cold.

Analysis: If you’ve taken my Empowering Characters’ Emotions course (or reviewed the Lecture Packets), you know FLICKER-FACE EMOTION. Because this flash of fear on Vivian’s face is critical, Lisa Unger wanted the reader to pay attention to this news of a difference.

How did Lisa Unger get the reader’s attention? She did not use a stronger descriptive word. She did not have the POV character react outwardly with a typical line, “What’s wrong?” She did not just label the look, fear, and move on.

She empowered that look by giving it more words, by amplifying it, by indicating it was so brief (the ghost of an expression) that she almost missed it, by labeling it fear, by telling the reader that Vivian is strong (implying rarely fearful), by using cadence, by backloading, by using the look as a stimulus and showing (not telling) the POV character’s reaction, by writing a VISCERAL RESPONSE.

Margie-grads know visceral responses set the emotional hook for the reader and contribute to making the book a page turner.

EXAMPLE, P. 236:

“Watch yourself.” His voice was tight with menace. There was a trail of brutally murdered women behind us, his tone said to me, and I could easily be next.

Analysis: Lisa Unger used a one-two punch. The dialogue cues in the first sentence inform the reader how the dialogue was delivered. The dialogue cue in the second sentence provides the reader with an interpretation of the subtext. It ups the stakes, ups the tension, and ups the fear factor.

Without the second dialogue cue, it’s just a tight, menacing voice.

With the second dialogue cue, the reader gets the conscious impact of the subtext and the subconscious impact of power words: brutally and murdered.

EXAMPLE, P. 293

I notice how still he is. There was so much anxiety and adrenaline living inside me that I couldn’t keep myself from fidgeting, shifting my weight from foot to foot, padding a few steps away, then back toward him. But he is fixed and solid. He keeps his hands in his pockets, his eyes locked on some spot off in the distance. All there is to him is his raspy voice and the story he tells.

Analysis: Lisa Unger spotlights the contrast between how the POV character displays her tension—and how the non-POV character keeps his cool. Note the use of specificity. Note the number of Emotional Hits. Note the power of cadence.

Specificity: shifting weight, padding/steps away and back, hands in pockets, eyes/spot in distance, raspy voice

Emotional Hits: TELLING and SHOWING = 11 Emotional Hits

Telling: anxiety, adrenaline, fidgeting, fixed, solid

Showing: shifting weight, padding/steps away, back, hands in pockets, eyes/spot in distance, raspy voice

Cadence: Read the passage from page 293 out loud. You’ll notice variability in sentence length, agreeable phraseology, and a last sentence that is pleasing to your Cadence Ear.

All there is to him is his raspy voice and the story he tells.

What if Lisa Unger had written the last sentence like this?

All there is to him is his raspy voice and his story.

AACK!  Hear it? The cadence is off.

Read her line again:

All there is to him is his raspy voice and the story he tells.

Ah – My Cadence Ear is happy. ;-))

Lisa Unger’s writing is as elegant and enticing as it is electrifying. The Associated Press described BLACK OUT as, “A largely gripping narrative and evocative, muscular prose… Unger…create[s] the perfect razor's edge of tension.”

If you want to make your writing grip the reader with your muscular prose, read Lisa Unger’s literary thrillers and analyze her writing. Her stories and her writing craft will thrill you.

Edgar nominee and National Bestselling Author, Carol O’Connell, writes psychologically complex mysteries and thrillers. Her ten-book mystery series features Kathy Mallory, an assertive-to-the-max New York City detective.

BONE BY BONE is Carol O’Connell’s first stand alone. With a masterful story and equally masterful writing craft, BONE BY BONE stands out. Carol O’Connell is known for her powerful prose and gripping suspense.

“O’Connell is one of the most poetic yet tough-minded writers of the genre.” (The San Francisco Chronicle).

Let’s analyze what makes Carol O’Connell’s writing craft strong. This month we’ll focus on Body Language. We’ll look at Body Language, Facial Expressions, and Dialogue Cues. The examples are from BONE BY BONE, her 2008 release.

EXAMPLE: P. 19 This example is two paragraphs:

And now he felt Hannah’s small hand closing over his right fist, the one he favored for beating the crap out of Dave Hardy. Oren stood very still, powerless to go anywhere. He looked down to catch her brief smile, the equivalent of rolling up her sleeves in anticipation of doing some damage.

Hannah trained her eyes on the deputy and worked her old magic, hurling words across the length of the flower bed with the crack of lightning bolts. “Put that shovel down this instant.”

ANALYSIS: How many nonverbal messages were conveyed in those five sentences?

1. Hannah closed her hand over Oren’s fist – stopping him from punching Dave.

2. Oren stood still – did not move toward Dave.

3. Hannah smiled – Oren interpreted her smile -- Hannah planned to attack Dave

4. Hannah stared at the deputy (Dave)

5. Hannah yelled at Dave across the flower bed, hurling her words with the power of lightning bolts

Those body language cues included one touch (haptics) and its interpretation, one lack of movement and its impact, a smile and its interpretation, a look and its power, and a dialogue cue amplified with a simile.

If Carol O’Connell stuck to the BASICS, her passage could have read like this:

Hannah’s hand squeezed his. He knew she didn’t want him to punch Dave. Oren remained standing.

Hannah smiled briefly then glared at the deputy. She yelled across the garden, “Put that shovel down this instant.” Her voice had a hard edge.

COMPARE that bland distillation to Carol O’Connell’s powered-up passage:

And now he felt Hannah’s small hand closing over his right fist, the one he favored for beating the crap out of Dave Hardy. Oren stood very still, powerless to go anywhere. He looked down to catch her brief smile, the equivalent of rolling up her sleeves in anticipation of doing some damage.

Hannah trained her eyes on the deputy and worked her old magic, hurling words across the length of the flower bed with the crack of lightning bolts. “Put that shovel down this instant.”

Carol O’Connell put more energy into writing fresh, adding power internalizations, and amplifying body language.

Here are two more examples of facial expressions:

P. 28 Ad Winston had a smile that could charm a suicide bomber—but not the judge.

Analysis: Fun!

If you’ve taken my classes, you know I vote for amplifying and/or interpreting most facial expressions. In real life facial expressions are complex and intriguing and confusing and stimulating.

Go beyond, He smiled. Give the reader more reasons to love your books.

P. 29 Ad Winston wore a look of stunned surprise. And the judge would have enjoyed that so much if he could only believe that it was genuine.

Analysis: Carol O’Connell used more words, and let the punch surprise the reader. Backloading with GENUINE carries a punch.

She could have written: Ad Winston wore a look of stunned surprise. And the judge didn’t believe it for a minute.

Hmm . . . What’s wrong with that line?

It’s clichéd. The reader doesn’t experience the punch. It’s ho-hum, instead of Hey!

The last five examples are DIALOGUE CUES. This is my term for how the writer cues the reader regarding delivery of the dialogue. A dialogue cue may describe the quality of the voice, rate of speech, tone, and pitch, as well as interpret and amplify the meaning.

P. 7

“Oren, I need you to carry that bag of yours upstairs. It’s too heavy for me.”

In times past, the housekeeper had used this voice of authority only for special offenses, such as the grimy rings of a boy’s life left on the porcelain sides of the bathtub.

ANALYSIS: Carol O’Connell slipped backstory in this amplified dialogue cue presented on page seven. The reader is informed that the housekeeper raised the POV character, who is now in his late thirties. No info dump. No backstory stall. Smart technique.

P. 80

“Hello, Daddy.”

Long ago, she had called him that to please her mother. These days, the sarcastic tone of this salutation could only be read as Drop dead.

ANALYSIS: Carol O’Connell shared that sarcastic tone in a fresh way. She didn’t opt for the clichéd, predictable, and oh-so-skimmable: she said with a sarcastic edge to her voice.

P. 174

The lawyer was still talking nonstop and very fast. A sign of frayed nerves?

ANALYSIS: Another smart technique. The lawyer’s anxiety was portrayed with two dialogue cues -- talking nonstop and very fast. A short rhetorical question interpreted the POV character’s take on why the lawyer’s rate of speech was accelerated. The reader learns a lot, in few words.

P. 192

“This is my case.” He used a tone more properly reserved for a child’s sandbox brawl.

“The State Attorney General said so.” And this was a variation of I’m telling Mom.

ANALYSIS: Look what fun Carol O’Connell had with those two lines. She compared the attorney to a child in a sandbox, one who is fighting. Then she created a line of dialogue—“The State Attorney General said so.”—that resonates with every reader as childish, and reinforces the dialogue by adding it’s a variation of I’m telling Mom.

Those 31 words provide the reader with multiple messages that the lawyer is acting like a child, but the cliché was dodged. The reader is treated to a fresh read. An entertaining read. And a hit of humor.

P. 220

Her voice dropped into the guttural range of Pay-attention-or-else.

Analysis: A hyphenated-run-on (my term) makes that dialogue cue fresh. Readers know that low authoritative voice. The tone that commands Pay-attention-or-else.

CAROL O’CONNELL works at her winning writing craft and she has the big fan-base to prove she is successful. Follow her lead. Work your writing craft until it’s winning you contracts and more fans.